Five Tips for Living in Peace with Your Teens

How to be a calm, sane parent and
help your teenagers grow resilient

teenage expression

teenage expression


  1. Listen – very carefully. Difficult and scary as it may be, try to give your teens a place where they can express their thoughts and needs. Their world is different; be eager to understand and be curious about it and don’t condemn, judge or assume. If you want to make a comment, use their own words back to them – e.g. ‘So let me check I’m understanding you, what you’re saying is….’ (that’s why it’s listen very carefully…) They won’t argue with their own stuff…well, not too often anyway.
  2. Set firm but realistic boundaries – it’s better for everyone. It shows you care. Rules can be good news – it gives your teens a very valuable let-out when peer pressure is being applied. If they can assert with total confidence that something’s not allowed, it bolsters their strength to resist temptations to reckless behaviour.
  3. Give them space, respect, responsibility, and the benefit of the doubt. Then shut up. Really. Knowing when to bite your tongue is a key part of this. Once you’ve negotiated what’s acceptable, don’t be peering over their shoulders or prying. Trust their judgement. It’s like paying out a rope or casting a fishing line – do it bit by bit, and you can always renegotiate and reel in a little if your teen seems to demonstrate there’s too much slack.
  4. Accept there may be mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. If your mum (or dad) had known all you got up to as a teenager…would she/he have approved? Hmmm, thought not….So don’t blame, don’t make comparisons with friends or siblings, be supportive, let your teen know their unique value and that you do and always will love them. Even if it’s tough love – and especially if their behaviour is currently causing you concern or creating waves in the family. Make it a learning experience for both of you – try to see the gift in whatever’s happened, painful as it may seem in the moment.
  5. Know your place. Teens can tend to think they’ve discovered everything for the first time ever – and that as an adult and their parent you really know – nothing. Get over it. Give it a few years. Keep a wry smile handy in your repertoire. Remember the old quote from one of the ancient Greek Philosophers

“When I was 18 my father was completely ignorant, but by the time I was 25,
it was amazing how much he’d learnt.”
Too True!


BONUS TIP 6:

Laugh. Find some common ground in humour, satire, irony – maybe through a TV programme or film. It may make you throw your hands up in horror, but ‘The Simpsons’ has some prize moments of sheer comic dis-functionality in which most of us can see a little something of ourselves, if we’re really honest. After all it’s been around for 20 years and now has its own stamp collection…..

happy, confident teens

happy, confident teens

But dads (and mums) be warned – telling bad ‘dad jokes‘ (and it seems that all dad jokes are bad jokes, even if they’re good…..) creates embarrassed looks, groans of ‘Ohhh Daaad’, rolling eyes and shrugged shoulders – you have to decide if you want to experience that. On the other hand, if you don’t do generic ‘dad jokes’, maybe your teen will miss out on being able to share horror stories with their mates…..And sharing the experience is part of growing up.

As parents, that’s what we’re there for – silent witness, loud supporter, soft shoulder or sharp wit – you’ll need all of that and more along the way. Is it worth it?  Completely – it’s one of life’s richest treasures.

For more resources and articles on personal growth and development, leadership,  education, creativity and change visit www.resourcemagazine.co.uk

The robin who thinks he’s a humming bird


…..and other acrobatic antics in the garden

spring-garden

Picture the scene – it’s late spring, and outside my window, hanging on the end of a cane attached to the roof of the conservatory is a bird feeder.  It’s that type of solid pudding or cake, meant for small birds such a great tits and blue tits, who have been feeding there since winter.

The rather Heath Robinson means of suspension is somewhat complex in order to deter the ever present voracious squirrels who were so desperate to reach it they even attempted to scale the slippery glazing bars surrounding the windows. Lacking crampons or suitably formed claws, they failed – and their surprised look as they slid down the outside of the window was highly amusing. Observing those squirrels as they circled, pondered, made vain attempts and kept on trying and devising new routes was a valuable lesson in persistence.

It also reminded me of this wonderful TV programme some years ago when even the most complicated methods of keeping squirrels away from food failed, and the acrobatic audacity of the creatures was portrayed with hilariously entertaining results.




We’ve added deterrents to keep off starlings and blackbirds, and this little food supply is nourishing several families of birds. The tits themselves are no mean acrobats; their aeronautic feats are really quite breathtaking. They fly in at breakneck speed, stop suddenly – just short of splattering themselves onto the glass; at the same time they turn themselves upside down and hang onto the feeder with their feet, whilst staying ever alert to potential threats from predators – truly impressive stuff.

We have had some wonderful entertainment and inspiration watching the to-ing and fro-ing, and pondered on the sheer physical effort required to nurture a nest of chicks to fledgling status.

Recently, there have been territorial wars and thrilling examples of adaptability and determination. Enter our common garden friend, the Robin. Ever present whenever we are out in the garden raking leaves or turning over earth, they grab grubs in their inimitable opportunistic way, bold, alert and happy to sing for their supper.

The robins observed that the tits were very messy eaters – they left behind lots of scraps, probably at least half of what they peck off drops onto the ground beneath the feeder. Initially, the robins simply cleaned up the scraps on the floor. Then they became dissatisfied and wanted to control the food supply.

Slight problem – their spindly legs and larger body weight do not naturally lend themselves to performing the feats of inversion and gripping at which the tits are so expert. A fly-past peck doesn’t do the trick of dislodging the food.

What to do?

New approach – the robins attack the tits whenever they alight on the feeder – but only after they have filled their beaks – causing the tits to disgorge the food onto the floor and enabling the wily robins to clean up the spoils.

Next, the robins decide that they are spending too much time waiting for the tits to turn up and serve dinner.

What to do now?

It appears that robins have very strong wings. So they ingeniously decide to adopt the hovering method. Expending huge amounts of energy, they flap their wings, humming-bird fashion, at great speed, maintaining themselves in position to be able to devour the food directly from source.  It is a remarkable sight, the wings a blur as they flap furiously – and they return time after time, fiercely defending the feeder, so the tits are having to dive in at the moments when the robins are back at the nest feeding their young. Other birds have got wise – pigeons, blackbirds and starlings congregate underneath and pick up the scraps, and the odd crazy blackbird seems to want to emulate the robin, and also pretends to be a humming bird.

Now the scenario outside my window is more peaceful again, and the Robin has reverted to waiting on the ground whilst the tits congregate on the feeder and scatter the food. The fledged blue tits accompany their parents, and though perfectly capable of feeding themselves, still willingly accept the thrusting beak inserting food into their throats.

It’s said evolution takes a long time, many generations; in this rapidly-moving world I’m beginning to think that adaptation is a much faster-paced affair, with enterprising creatures observing effective behaviours in other species, and adopting them quickly.

The Robin

  1. observed,
  2. experimented,
  3. acted,
  4. regrouped,
  5. strategised,
  6. repeated,
  7. refined,
  8. persevered and ultimately
  9. triumphed.

He gained control of the food supply for his family, in that intense period of requiring huge quantities to feed the growing chicks.

Hopefully we have begun a sustainable cycle which will see many families of birds return each year to rear their young, and provide us with ongoing lessons in flexibility and adaptation.

We can all learn a great deal from observing how nature adapts to ensure nurture.

Now how can YOU take these lessons in natural persistence, flexibility and  adaptation and make the most of the opportunities in your life at this time?

 

© Christine Miller 

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